On this journey I have been focused on paying attention to creating new habits and paying attention to my mindset and how I am mentally navigating through this journey. I put that physical changes in my body out of my mind or to the back of my mind. I knew I was changing, don’t get me wrong but true reality of those changes had not completely sunk in.

First of all I am just in general smaller then I was. I started this journey wearing a size 20/22 bottom and an 18-22 top (all clothes fit differently). I probably should’ve actually measured my waist, hips etc… but I didn’t. I really didn’t want to get to detailed.

This journey for me is not focused around being anyone size in clothes or number on that scale. I want to be strong, healthy, fit, and have energy.

I have rolls that are gone or almost gone. I can see the definition of the muscles I have in my arms. My body doesn’t ache! I feel stronger! Those are the things I try to stay focused on.

But I’m going to be honest it was pretty amazing yesterday when I tried on a size 12 jumpsuit! A Size 12!

So on this journey I’m all about celebrating wins, no matter the size!

Today, I reached what is a big milestone for me I have lost a total of 90 pounds as of today!! Take this image 9x!

I have done things to lose weight before and lost weight only to gain it back! I was all determined in those previous processes to be successful! But those where programs where NOT what was ideal for me. This is the first time things have aligned both my determination to make healthy choices be it calories I am eating and making better healthier food choices to fuel my body. To moving my body more (working on this part). To wrapping my mindset around how I relate to food and emotions. With taking time to really pay attention to my body what works for me, I am feeling stronger! I have more energy! I do not feel sluggish or weighed down! This is the first time I’ve lost this much weight!

I am partially ashamed and embarrassed that I EVER let my health and my weight get as out of control as it did! Mind you I did not have high blood pressure, diabetes or high cholesterol. With what I was doing to my body, it really was on,y a matter of time, let’s be honest! I didn’t have energy, I was tired all the time, I felt old!

So today was my weigh in day and I was down 1 pound from last week. Great! Right!? It’s one less pound! Every pound adds up! I tracked honestly and had activity. I really had hoped for 2 pounds maybe.

I know that this back half of my journey is going to be maybe more challenging, that it’s going to come off slower and in smaller increments. I am ok with that, to me that makes perfect sense.

Where does my absolute frustration come from you say, if I get the above. Here is where my frustration is.

I weigh only 1 pound less then I did when I weighed in on June 21st!! In 20 weeks i have gained and lost 11 pounds to end up where I am as of today! That is where my frustrations are coming from!!

I told my WW coach that I can totally understand why at this point some people stop coming to meeting! Stop tracking! And just STOPPING all together!

I am not stopping or giving up! Before anyone says what they are thinking, yes I know I have come so very far! That I am creating new healthier habits.

I said when I started this I was going to be brutally honest, and this is me being honest while I know I’ve come so far, and I am proud of what I have accomplished and I know it took time to get here so habits and life styles take time to change. I am still very frustrated!!

I’m frustrated with this stage in the process!

I’m frustrated with my results!

I’m frustrated with myself!

This is a process! And a true test of your mindset! These past months have been a test of mine! To be honest I really feel like I am failing!!

I started this year with the goal of reaching my weight loss goal weight! Well, that goal has been altered changed and pushed back to be agile with my results. In the end am I failing because I keep moving that goal out?